Monday, December 6, 2010

The Big D

Not divorce (thank heavens!) The other one. depression. (dun dun DUN!!!) Last week a friend asked how I as doing and if I had any baby blues and the tears began to well up.
I'm gonna take that as a yes.
How annoying! I think the worst part right now is that feeling of knowing what you need to do to get out of it, but feeling too down/tired/lazy to do it.
Do you know what I had for breakfast today? 2 brownies and a cookie leftover from last night's party. I did get laundry done (and folded and put away, thank you!), but the dishes remain. I don't want to talk about what my floors look like.
The thing is, I know that if would just get off my butt in the morning and make a green smoothie or oatmeal or something that my whole day would go better. I know it would. Not that I would be cured or anything, but it would help. If I would just do 15 minutes of yoga. And the baby is no longer an excuse. I have the time I just don't take it. Instead I sit in my home and stew over what a terrible mother I am and how many other people are thinking that I'm a terrible mother.
Why is that?
Is it a self discipline thing? Is it because every day feels the same and what's the point? Do I not love myself?
I can't figure it out.
Because all I really want to do right now is shut this computer and play sudoku. Ultimately I think I just don't want to care. Life is much easier and happier when we do the things we know we should. And yet.... and yet it's somehow just easier to let things fall apart a little each day, isn't it?

9 comments:

  1. I'm right there with you, sister. I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. You're not a bad mother. You're not undisciplined. You have depression. It's a chemical thing, not a 'you're a bad person' thing. And you're not alone. I sat down in church yesterday and started bawling. I had to leave sacrament meeting to go bawl in an empty room and then my husband found me and took me home, where I cried for another few hours. If I'd had a brownie and cookies I would have eaten them!!!!

    A book that really helped me was Reaching for Hope: An LDS Perspective on Recovering from Depression. I'm not there yet. It's still a daily struggle, but it did help me see the illness for what it is.

    I'm sending many prayers your way.

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  2. don't you hate it when that happens? I always get so embarrased when someone asks how I am and I break down. That was me at the end of the summer. The only thing that really helped me get over it was a little perspective change.

    Breaking down in front of family and friends that I was talking to, and telling them all the things I was stressing about, all of my worries and guilt about things I wasn't accomplishing made me realize how silly it all was. I was just letting myself get way too overwhelmed with my expectations.

    Just think about the many things that you are accomplishing each day! If you wake up and get your family fed each day, that is a lot of work just right there in that basic thing! Adding in some prayers and scripture study, well that is all you really need to do to feel like you had a successful day. As a mom, you are constantly serving others.

    Oh, and if it helps (it helped me to realize this), I really think all those feelings are just symptoms of hormonal problems (metabolism, adrenal, thyroid, etc.). It's not the true you. Your body will get balanced out again, and you will feel better. Just eat a good breakfast, obey your body (if you are tired, rest!), stay away from caffeine at the very least, and know that even on your worst days you are accomplishing much!

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  3. *hugs* I love you, Kris. And I know things in your head aren't quite right at the moment.

    But don't do depressed! I'm thinking of setting one goal a day, or two, and getting a calendar to make big x's on every day I do it. Then once I get a chain of x's I won't want to break it. I hope.

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  4. lifting you up in prayer for peace and joy and strength and comfort. you ARE a good mama and depression is not a weakness. it's ok to take care of you, too--however that looks. xo

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  5. Oh, I'm so sorry that you are going through this right now. It's tough. I have been there before. The one thing that helped shake me out of it was making a to-do list with simple tasks on it so that I could cross them off and feel like I accomplished something: get out of bed, shower, feed kids, read scriptures, say personal prayer. Things like that. And then everything started to fall into place, and after awhile I could add harder things to my list like go on a walk or put on makeup. Sounds silly, right? Did you know I was going through that right next door to you a few years ago? I'll be thinking of you.

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  6. We all get that way sometimes. I wish we didn't worry so much about how others do it better than we do. I agree that exercise and healthy eating will definately help out. I hope you start feeling better soon.

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  7. WAIT, is YOUR name Kris too?! I was going to post that I think we might be long lost sisters, but now I think we might be long lost twins. I know just what you mean... I feel this way all the time. I wish I had answers... maybe we should be accountability buddies or something.

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  8. Thanks for all the encouragement and sympathy guys. @ Kestrel- Yeah, my name is Kris too :) too funny!!

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