#1. "No one is listening.... until you make a mistake"
Today I found out I goofed something in Primary. Well, someone else goofed, but I didn't catch it after 4 months. So it's my goof. And now I look dumb to the new bishop. The #1 thing I hate is looking stupid. My therapist told me to embrace those times I did look bad and remember them as a way to feel empathy for others and not hold them up to such high standards. If I was perfect, God would have to take me and I don't want to leave yet, so I have to mess up. :)
#2. "You're not tense. Just terribly, terribly alert."
Sometimes it seems like on hard days you notice every little tiny bad detail. Of everything. And it all compounds into a giant ball of chaotic madness that you are sure will literally cause you're brain to explode. Write it down. Write it all down. Every little detail, just get it out of your brain and save yourself the hemorrhage.
#3. "I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once."
I got my scope bill today. I have to have another scope after Thanksgiving and I have a CT scan I owe on. I wont talk numbers, because it's still less than those meds would have been, but enough to be too much. The bottom line: handmade Christmas. Tumbleweed spent the last 2 days with fevers between 101 and 104. I have 10398 things to do before the primary program on Sunday. And my house still has not recovered from me painting it. Mostly these medical bills are impossible! I still can't figure out why I'm not freaking out.
I think I'm in denial.
No. Just thinking, "Oh well. We wont spend money for Christmas." Yay it works! Actually, I can see so many ways we've been blessed with ways to save money in the past few months. I can see now that it isn't so my kids can take gymnastics, but for us to still be able to feed ourselves. I feel bad for my kids, but I know they'll get some nice things from other family member (EDIT: they'll get nice things from us too! They just wont cost money!). I also know that this isn't permanent. I'm mostly annoyed that my rental property ate up ALL of our savings this year. But I know people who are unemployed. So I'm still feeling grateful we're able to have a rental.
Now, I need ideas. What is your favorite handmade gift?
Oh, and you guys, stop letting me look at bills after 6pm. I may not be panicking, but I haven't solved insomnia yet. kthnx!